Christmas always sneaks up on me. Only this year it not only snuck up on me, it also jumped out from behind a tree, forced me to the ground and jumped all over me until its bootprint was permanently rendered onto my face. Now that the panic attacks have subsided I’m getting into the Christmas spirit - the decorations are up, we’ve spent a ridiculous amount of money on party food for when we have the family over, and (some) presents have been wrapped (not by me though - I only wrap neatly when I take me time, but these presents are for this Christmas, not the next).
I’ve noticed that radio stations and music TV are already playing those “festive” Christmas songs that we hate to love, including a countdown of the last 20 years’ Christmas Number Ones. This got me thinking - I wonder what songs have slipped into obscurity just because they didn’t make the top slot, and what aural monstrosity beat it back into second place. Therefore, please find below the greatest Christmas Number Two Songs That Should Have Been Number Ones (in chronological order).
Year: 1955
Title: Rock Around The Clock
Artist: Bill Haley & His Comets
Beaten to #1 by Dickie Valentine - Christmas Alphabet
I’ve got to be honest - I’ve never once heard Christmas Alphabet (or even heard of Dickie Valentine), but I can be excused seeing as this was over 50 years ago. But everyone must know Haley’s Rock Around The Clock. It’s an iconic song that is a prime example of Rock and Roll. I know its not exactly Christmas-y, but when a song is this good it can be excused. It is also worth noting that on 1st January 2005, Rock Around The Clock entered the public domain in Europe!
Year: 1963
Title: She Loves You
Artist: The Beatles
Beaten to #1 by The Beatles - I Want To Hold Your Hand
I always find it difficult to rank Beatles songs, especially those from the same era, but personally I think She Loves You (SLY) is a better song than I Want To Hold Your Hand (IWTHYH), the first of four Beatles Christmas number ones. I expect that SLY was released before IWTHYH rather than being released in the same week (which would be madness). Interestingly, the Fab Four managed to achive the Christmas One-Two again in 1967 with the Magical Mystery Tour EP coming second to Hello Goodbye.
Year: 1968
Title: Build Me Up Buttercup
Artist: The Foundations
Beaten to #1 by The Scaffold - Lily The Pink
The Scaffold were a Liverpool-based trio (fact: one of the members was Paul McCartney’s brother, Peter), that performed poetry, comedy and comic songs in the late-1960s. Lily The Pink was one of these comic songs that made its way to the top of the charts. At number two was the rousing party favourite, made popular again by the 1998 film, There’s Something About Mary. This song, although slightly cheesy, is much better than the brief novelty provided by Lily The Pink.
Year: 1971
Title: Jeepster
Artist: T Rex
Beaten to #1 by Benny Hill - Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)
I’m not questioning Benny Hill’s status as a British comedy legend, but when it comes to music his pedigree is questionable. The late, great Marc Bolan only gave us a glimpse of what could have been, including Jeepster. Glam and rock in equal measures, this track should have sped past the Fastest Milkman.
_Starting_Over.jpg "The Greatest Christmas Number Two Songs That Should Have Been Number Ones Photo")
Year: 1980
Title: (Just Like) Starting Over
Artist: John Lennon
Beaten to #1 by St Winifred’s School Choir - There’s No One Quite Like Grandma
I have mixed feelings about Lennon’s solo work. I can fully appreciate his genius from his Beatles days, but I just don’t warm to his later efforts. However, (Just Like) Starting Over is million times better than …Grandma, another novelty record bought by people who only buy one single a year, and then they choose to buy this rubbish. There should be a law about this kind of thing!
Year: 1987
Title: Fairytale Of New York
Artist: The Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl
Beaten to #1 by Pet Shop Boys - Always On My Mind
Now, I’m actually quite fond of Always On My Mind - its one of my favourite Elvis tracks and I think the Pet Shop Boys have done it justice and covered it very well. However, Fairytale of New York is one of those songs that scream Christmas at you until your ears bleed. It is synonymous with the festive period and it is practically universal law that is has to be played at every Christmas party when everyone is drunk.
Year: 1993
Title: Babe
Artist: Take That
Beaten to #1 by Mr Blobby - Mr Blobby
Does this really need any explanation. For our non-UK readers, Mr Blobby was created as a vehicle to play practical jokes on celebrities as part of Saturday night light entertainment show, Noel’s House Party. Over time he became marketing fodder for all sorts of crap - t-shirts, stationary, toys, and eventually this single. It is dire. Take That’s song wasn’t a great deal better, but it wins simply because it is not Mr Blobby.
Year: 1994
Title: All I Want For Christmas Is You
Artist: Mariah Carey
Beaten to #1 by East 17 - Stay Another Day
Thirteen years later and both of these songs are still getting heavy rotation in Christmas playlists on commercial radio up and down the country. Ignoring my aversion to Mariah Carey (who forms part of the triforce of painful ballads, along with Whitney Houston and Celine Dion), I think her single is better than East 17’s effort because at least she’s acknowledges that it is in fact Christmas. And she doesn’t wear stupid hats or own a dog called Levi.
Year: 2005
Title: JCB Song
Artist: Nizlopi
Beaten to #1 by Shayne Ward - That’s My Goal
Nizlopi’s song is a strange one. Acoustic in style and sentimental lyrics make this a very accessible song about a young boy’s escape to spend the day with his Dad at work. However this is most memorable for the great video that went with it. I’d like to start a petition to automatically disqualify any singles released by winners of reality/talent shows over the festive period, because they’re quite often complete tosh, but with a massive marketing machine driving them no-one else has a chance (see below for continuation of rant).
Year: 2006
Title: Patience
Artist: Take That
Beaten to #1 by Leona Lewis - A Moment Like This
Last but not least was the comeback single from love ‘em/hate ‘em boy/manband Take That. I know I slagged them off for Babe earlier, but Patience was a great single and proved why their return to the charts has legs (I don’t expect Boyzone’s imminent return to be so welcome). I know they reached number one before Christmas, but again Simon Cowell’s latest project steamed into the charts straight at number one, beating records again, simply because of the hype surrounding it. And lets face it, it was a bad song. I’m not saying she can’t sing (check out her live version of Snow Patrol’s Run she did for Radio 1’s Live Lounge - its fantastic) but she could have sung Three Blind Mice and the same thing would have happened.
So there you have it - 10 number two Christmas songs that should have been at the top. What will happen this year? Well, we already know where the number one song will come from, don’t we…but who will be singing it?
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
I think stop the cavalry by can’t remember that guys name was one of my favourite xmas songs.